From the Deep

In my last post, I described one reason why I coach gifted people and parents of gifted children (which, let’s face it, are generally gifted people themselves. And yes, moms, that does include you; your children aren’t just gifted because of their fathers. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one…Anyways, I’m now going to simplify my life and your reading by referring to gifted people and parents of gifted children as “gifted people.” Now, back to our not-so-regularly-scheduled blog post). It’s a word called entelechy, which is the drive to self-actualize, and you can read here how this characteristic of gifted people makes them prime coaching clients.

Closely related to entelechy is another reason life coaching works well for gifted people: fulfillment. Fulfillment is one of three life coaching principles. It involves discovering one’s values, which in coaching lingo means that which makes you uniquely you. When we live according to our values, we feel resonance, that feeling that all is right with the world. For example, if we value authenticity, we’ll feel alive when we’re in relationships and circumstances that allow us to be our full selves and to speak our truth. Even when we’re in difficult situations, we’ll feel energized if we’re expressing our values in them.

On the flip side, when we don’t live in line with our values, we feel dissonance. Energy drains from us, and we don’t feel fulfilled. We might even begin to feel dead inside. For example, if we value authenticity, but we’re in an intimate relationship, work setting, or social situation where we feel the need to hide parts of ourselves, we feel less alive.

Fulfillment is closely related to entelechy. Entelechy is the drive to self-actualize, and fulfillment is a vehicle for getting there.

Because fulfillment is a basic principle of life coaching, gifted people naturally make wonderful coaching clients. Gifted people have strong inner compasses full of values. They often wish to use their gifts for the betterment of the world. They possess a strong sense of justice and morality. They are empathetic. They also frequently hold values of curiosity, deep connection with others like them, wacky humor, creativity, challenge, playfulness, and solitude, among others. (You can look at My Ginormous List of Gifted Grownup Traits to find more values gifted people hold.)

Gifted people adhere to their values very strongly (do we do anything halfway?). In fact, we frequently cannot not live our values! Sometimes we do this unconsciously. We don’t know what our values are, yet we feel compelled to speak and behave in certain ways. Life coaching can help gifted people become conscious of their unique set of values and find ways to live them out in all areas of their lives: family, friendships, work, fun and recreation, and health, among others. By exploring what makes them come alive, a process that naturally brings most gifted people resonance, gifted people can create lives that bring them energy and allow them to make their unique contribution to the world.

If you’re interested in learning more about this, please contact me, and inquire about my complimentary thirty-minute session for potential clients. I’d love to help you explore your own set of values and find fulfillment in every area of your life!

©2010 Lisa Lauffer

As my astute commenter Jen said at the end of my last post, we parents of gifted kids live on the hamster wheel of life. Even when we do something to care for ourselves, it can so easily feel as if whatever benefit we’ve gained is swallowed up immediately by the needs we face when we return to the real world. (By the way, I recommend you check out what Jen is writing these days–her blog is here.)

So how do we take care of ourselves in ways that feel lasting, in ways that will nourish us when we’re responsible for meeting the needs of our high-needs children? Well, it takes a little effort and planning (okay, a lot of effort and planning), but you can do it. And here’s the first step: know thyself.

We can all brainstorm the traditional self-care methods people use: getting a massage, exercising, eating well, getting enough rest, getting a facial, blah, blah, blah. I’m not against any of those things. In fact, I participate in those kinds of self-care rituals when I can. But the best self care comes from the practices that feed us, energize us, make us come alive. When we’re caring for high-needs kids such as gifted children, our energy can so easily be sapped. When we participate in self-care practices, we need to be efficient, just as Jen lamented. We don’t have much time for it, we end up right back on the hamster wheel, so we need to make our self-care opportunities count. The best way to do that is by knowing what truly makes us come alive.

I’ve discussed this before. It comes down to knowing what we value. You can read more about that in a previous blog post here. Values are what define us, what make us who we are, what uniquely bring life to us. We can discover our values by answering questions such as these:

• What’s really important to me?
• What brings me the most joy?
• What really makes me angry? (Often tapping into more difficult emotions can show us where our passions lie.)
• What was the best moment of my life?
• What is my biggest dream?

It’s December 4, 2008. Twenty-one days until Christmas. How are you doing amid the holiday hubbub?

If you find yourself feeling like it’s “Harried Christmas” to you rather than Merry Christmas, you’ve come to the right place. I know how you can turn your frown upside-down (or perhaps at this point it’s more of a grimace, but you get the point). Often when we feel harried and stressed, we’re allowing external circumstances to influence what we do and how we do it. We feel pressured by family’s and friends’ expectations to mail out Christmas cards, stand in long lines to buy elaborate gifts, decorate, bake, wrap presents, and otherwise make this a happy holiday for others. And all those activities can be good. But when we act from external prompts, we can find our energy flagging. We suck it up, press on, and if we’re not careful, we burn out.

How can we avoid this? It’s simple: re-engage with our values.

What does that mean? In coaching lingo, values make each of us the unique people we are. They are what bring us life, what boost our energy, what bring us joy even in the most challenging circumstances. We each hold our own set of values. Some of us gain energy from authenticity, creativity, outdoor exploration, and connection. Others of us feel alive when we honor God, family, laughter, and time alone. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Whatever brings brightness to your eyes and lightness to your step is a value you hold, and people possess values in all kinds of combinations.

How can we find our values? We ask ourselves the simple question “What makes my heart beat faster?” Think about that for a moment. What energizes you? What do you resonate with? What makes you feel alive?

Values are the key to fulfillment. When we engage our values, anything we do, whether a joy or a challenge, immediately feels more life-giving. If you’re amid the holiday hustle-and-bustle, and feeling stressed, anxious, and resentful for it all falling on your shoulders, you can shift your experience by connecting with your values. Take the example of sending Christmas cards. If you’re doing it to meet perceived expectations of family and friends, it can feel like a burden. The idea of the stern, disappointed faces of your friends, siblings, and your mother (for goodness sake) staring into their empty mailboxes day after day looms in your imagination, compelling you to press on signing hundreds of cards by hand, addressing hundreds of envelopes in calligraphy, and stamping them yourself. However, if you hold a value for connection and access it, sending Christmas cards can feel life-giving. You may refocus yourself on your desire to touch the hearts of the people you hold dear, and that brings energy and joy to all parts of the Christmas card tradition for you. Can you sense the shift?

As a result of recognizing and honoring your values, you’ll find yourself revising your holiday to-do list. Engaging your values can prompt you to:

• reconnect with a tradition in a more meaninful way–as in the example above;
• tweak a tradition to bring it more in line with your values–going again with the connection value, perhaps sending Christmas cards doesn’t fully meet that; maybe instead you choose to write a hand-written letter to a select few people you really want to touch this season;
• eschew a tradition you’ve held for a long time–maybe the Christmas card tradition needs to go entirely by the wayside because it really doesn’t meet your need to relate with others; or
• develop a new tradition–perhaps you’d rather have a few friends over for some Christmas coffee, treats, and a good, long chat. 

I can give you example after example of Christmas traditions and how tapping into your values can help you decide which traditions to keep, which ones to let go, and which ones to tweak to make them more life-giving. So let’s make it personal and practical. Here are some steps you can take to turn a harried Christmas into a Merry Christmas:

1. Determine your values. Ask yourself the question “What makes my heart come alive?” Journal about it. Process it with others. Draw a picture of it. Allow your heart to speak. Your mind will have plenty to say, and some of it may be “shoulds.” Thank your mind for all its wisdom, give it a fifteen-minute coffee break, and allow your heart to express itself. Your heart may come up with just one value. It may come up with fifteen. It doesn’t matter. Just allow it to speak its wisdom to you.
2. Choose one value to focus on. Of the list you’ve just developed, which value speaks the loudest to you? It could be the one that feels most attractive, most life-giving. It could be one you’ve been neglecting to live out lately. Again, let your heart lead you here. You don’t have to have a “logical” reason for choosing it. Just let it sing to you, and listen to it.
3. Now make a list of all the things you feel compelled to do this season. Maybe you’ve made commitments. Perhaps you have traditions you’ve always kept. You might feel the weight of others’ expectations. Or you just may have some things that you want to do for yourself.
4. Look at each item on that list through the lens of the value you chose in Step 2, and ask yourself if that task fulfills your value. You may want to rate each item from 0 to 10, 0 being “this doesn’t express my value at all” and 10 being “this completely expresses my value.” Based on how you rated each task, decide whether to keep the item, tweak it, ditch it, or replace it with something more life-giving.