From the Deep

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written two blog posts about self care, one reminding you that you can indeed take care of yourself and the other explaining that the most powerful self care comes from knowing your values: who you are at your core and what makes you come alive. Today I’ll conclude this blog-post mini-series by giving you some concrete ways to include self care in your life. Here are three strategies you can use:

Strategy 1: Bank it, baby! When we proactively participate in self-care opportunities for ourselves, we create a reservoir of strength and energy that we can draw on later. We parents, including those of gifted children, often feel that this is selfish. We struggle with taking the time, energy, and money it takes to meet our own needs, so we constantly live in deficit mode. We’ve taken our emotional and physical credit cards and run them through slots, and we don’t have the energy in the bank to pay the bill when it comes due. Then we crack. We yell, we stomp off, we blame, we cry. And no one is happy.

So bank your self care. You can, deserve to, and in doing so will be caring for your family in the long run.

Strategy 2: Respond, don’t react. We all face stressful times, those moments when it feels that someone or some event is making a huge withdrawal from our emotional bank account. In those instances, we can often feel like reacting by blowing up, throwing objects, or doing something drastic that we regret later. What if, instead, you responded by drawing from a collection of five-, fifteen-, and thirty-minute self-care practices, little emotional snacks as it were, to help you regain some emotional energy throughout your day? What are some quick practices that would help your soul sing instead of sink in these stressful moments?

Again, go to your values. Which activities are the emotional equivalent to an energy bar or energy drink for you–quick practices that feed and center you? Maybe you need to spend five minutes working on a crossword puzzle. Perhaps you just need to dance to your favorite song. When you’ve hit your limit, go to these ideas that don’t require a huge time commitment on your part. Rejuvenate, then return to the fray. You will feel better prepared to face whatever challenge has come your way.

Strategy 3: Take a ten-second vacation. OK, this practice is something everyone should have in his/her self-care arsenal. All it involves is taking a breath to the depths of our bodies. Most of us only breathe into our lungs. But when we breathe deeply (I imagine sending breath to my lower back), we take much-needed oxygen into our systems, and that reduces our stressful feelings, helps us feel more present in the moment, and gives us a fresh perspective on whatever we’re facing. Try it now. Breathe deeply, imagining you’re directing all that fresh air to your lower back, allowing your diaphragm to expand naturally in the process. What do you experience when you do this?

You can use the ten-second vacation anytime, anywhere. So when things feel stressful, chaotic, out of control, just take a deep breath and see how your perspective changes. Feel empowered, and cope with whatever has arisen.

As my astute commenter Jen said at the end of my last post, we parents of gifted kids live on the hamster wheel of life. Even when we do something to care for ourselves, it can so easily feel as if whatever benefit we’ve gained is swallowed up immediately by the needs we face when we return to the real world. (By the way, I recommend you check out what Jen is writing these days–her blog is here.)

So how do we take care of ourselves in ways that feel lasting, in ways that will nourish us when we’re responsible for meeting the needs of our high-needs children? Well, it takes a little effort and planning (okay, a lot of effort and planning), but you can do it. And here’s the first step: know thyself.

We can all brainstorm the traditional self-care methods people use: getting a massage, exercising, eating well, getting enough rest, getting a facial, blah, blah, blah. I’m not against any of those things. In fact, I participate in those kinds of self-care rituals when I can. But the best self care comes from the practices that feed us, energize us, make us come alive. When we’re caring for high-needs kids such as gifted children, our energy can so easily be sapped. When we participate in self-care practices, we need to be efficient, just as Jen lamented. We don’t have much time for it, we end up right back on the hamster wheel, so we need to make our self-care opportunities count. The best way to do that is by knowing what truly makes us come alive.

I’ve discussed this before. It comes down to knowing what we value. You can read more about that in a previous blog post here. Values are what define us, what make us who we are, what uniquely bring life to us. We can discover our values by answering questions such as these:

• What’s really important to me?
• What brings me the most joy?
• What really makes me angry? (Often tapping into more difficult emotions can show us where our passions lie.)
• What was the best moment of my life?
• What is my biggest dream?

Often as parents, especially parents of gifted children, we find ourselves running on fumes. We’ve expended every last ounce of energy–physical and emotional–and we fall into bed at day’s end exhausted and dreading the next time we have to open our eyes (all-too early, of course) and face another twenty-four hours of running the hamster wheel.

What if it were different? What if we woke up everyday excited about what we got to do that day? What might life be like then? And how would it affect our parenting?

Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D says this in his book 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Glen Elln, Illinois: ParentMagic, Inc., 2003):

…to effectively express the affection and praise that your children can thrive on, as a parent you must take pretty good care of yourself in the first place. You need to see that your needs are being met and that you are not chronically locked into helpless, angry, martyrlike or victim roles. (p. 189)

When I read this quote, I breathed a sigh of relief. We don’t need to take care of ourselves only for our own sakes (we parents often balk at that idea, but it’s true); our kids need us to. Think of it–what kind of parenting energy might you have available if you were to regularly care for yourself? What words would come out of your mouth? With what tone would you say them? What would you do with and for your kids if you had some energy in your gas tank?

Those of us who parent gifted children do what we must to meet our children’s high needs. We drive the universe in our mini-vans to get our children the interventions they need, to find the education that would best help them develop, to bring them to the extracurricular activities that will enhance their truest selves. We can’t do this when our own physical and emotional gas tanks are on empty.

Not to mention, we are living our own lives. Yes, we have kids and caring for them is part of our lives too. But we also possess a part of our lives that purely belongs to us (I’ll blog more on this at a later date). We don’t want it to pass us by–we don’t want to look back and wish we’d done something more for ourselves, that we’d enjoyed life more because we had more energy and love that we’d given ourselves.

I’ll blog more soon about practical ways we can take care of ourselves. But for now, let it sink it: yes, we can and ought to take time and energy for ourselves (maybe even spend some money on ourselves too).

And now, I’m going to lay down with a good book, which I hope will eventually fall to my chest as I nap blissfully!

“Should the air pressure in the cabin depressurize, an oxygen mask will fall from the compartment above you. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, pulling the straps on either side to tighten the mask against your face. If you’re traveling with a child, place your mask on your face first, then assist your child.”

I love airplane travel, and have heard the above speech hundreds of times. Usually, I give it only cursory attention; having heard it so many times, I could probably deliver the spiel. But sometimes I wonder whether, in case of emergency, I really will know what to do should oxygen masks pop in front of my face and those of my children. I imagine my first impulse would be to help my children. Forget what the flight attendant says, my babies are in danger!

But why do the airlines give this advice? Do they hate children? Are children the disposable people on the plane? We all know the answer to this one: parents need to take care of themselves first so they can then help their children.

Applied to the rest of life where we face so many emergencies–spilled milk, sibling squabbles, skinned knees–we can easily forget this wisdom. Instead, we run between one disaster to another with little regard for our own needs. As parents of gifted kids, we may feel this even more. We’ve had to deal with more intense tantrums, discussions with teachers who don’t understand giftedness, appointments with professionals to help us deal with 2e issues, among others. At the end of the day, we fall into bed utterly exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Then we wake the next morning with low energy and dread for what the day might bring.

What might happen if we applied oxygen mask wisdom to all of our parenting? What if we took care of ourselves in the interest of caring for our kids’ needs? What might change then? How would we think differently? What would we do differently?

I believe some of us fear we’ll become selfish, narcissistic machines, doing nothing but going for massages and manicures. Our kids will go hungry and sit in squalor, crying, while we read our gossip magazines and sip our tea. But really, with the amount of sacrifice we’ve shown we can give, are we really even capable of this?

What if it were imperative that you took care of yourself so that you could take care of your children? What would you do? And what might the real results be? Could it be that your kids would have a mom who has more energy and groundedness from which to operate, more love to give away? Tell me what you think!

Yesterday I blogged about how, while the kids are out of school for Winter Break, I’m choosing to keep two practices everyday that will keep me sane and happy this holiday season: movement and soaking. Here are some other ideas that may speak to your soul or may spark other ideas for practices you’d like to adopt over the next couple weeks:

1. Lighting a candle and leaving it lit throughout the day (whenever you’re at home);
2. Listening to music that feeds your soul;
3. Carving out a half-hour every day for a cup of tea and time to read;
4. Taking a walk by yourself;
5. Watching a show every night that makes you laugh;
6. Praying;
7. Journaling;
8. Doing something to express your creativity such as drawing, playing an instrument, writing…;
9. Reading through the Christmas story a bit at a time;
10. Taking a bath;
11. Meditating;
12. Connecting with a friend;
13. Piecing together a puzzle for fifteen minutes;
14. Exchanging back rubs with your spouse; and/or
15. Taking a nap.

Today was my children’s last day of school for 2008. Yay! We’re on Winter Break!

Ack! We’re on Winter Break! Seventeen days with two children in tow hyped up on sugar, engaging in Christmas festivities, lacking their usual structure, with abundant free time on their hands. Seventeen days in which I don’t have my usual structure and space to pursue what energizes me, to accomplish goals, and to converse uninterrupted with other grown-ups.

On the one hand, I’m looking forward to time with my kids. I really enjoy their energy, creativity, laughter, and play. On the other hand, I know that so much time together can often result in emotional stress that creates havoc at holiday time.

How am I going to handle it? I’m going to practice.

Actually, I’m going to engage in two specific practices that help me stay grounded and connected to my joy. The first is movement. I’m a fidgeter. If I don’t get enough movement, I feel as if I have extra energy zinging inside my body desperately seeking an outlet, and it eventually leads to frustration. Mitigating that frustration requires extra energy, creating a hazardous cycle until I blow up. I’d rather expend energy through movement I love–dancing, walking, and playing outside or at the gym with the kids–and avoid the emotional outbreak that comes when I don’t.

The second practice I’m committing to is soaking. This discipline involves laying or sitting still in God’s presence, focusing on Him, and allowing Him to show up however He wants. I’m finding that this practice grounds me, centers me in God and in who He created me to be so that I can hear His voice more clearly and act more in line with His will. It feeds my soul.

Amid all the holiday hubbub, I will do each of these two practices everyday. All my other customary pursuits may shift around my children, but these two activities will happen as preventative measures–preventing me from losing myself then from losing it with the kids.

Are your kids on Winter Break? What practices might you commit to so you’ll stay connected to yourself and your joy at this holiday time? 

Yesterday I hit a wall. No juice left. After the nine-day Thanksgiving Break from school, preceded by three days home with a sick child, I felt no motivation or inspiration to tackle my to-do list which grows daily and exponentially, like mutant bacteria run amok. I didn’t know how I was going to accomplish the usual tasks, such as writing blog posts and answering e-mails, not to mention continue the added activities Christmas season often brings: the decorating, gift-list constructing, shopping. My tank was on empty.

Often, when my tank is on empty, I don’t think clearly, so I’m actually amazed that, unlike my usual pressing-through M.O., I somehow found the wisdom to temporarily unplug myself from life. (OK, I must admit, this was my sister’s idea. My older sister. She was right…again. Dang.) I only had a few hours before the kids bounced back home from school, but I managed to “go off the radar,” to separate myself from my computer and all my social networking plug-ins. I also ignored the toys strewn across several floors, the dishes in the sink, and the laundry. (This is no small feat in this house!)

Ah…it felt so good! I hadn’t realized the harried pace I’d been running nor the disconnect I’d been feeling from my life focus. Going off the radar gave me the opportunity to ask myself, to ask God, “What’s the point? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Does it make any difference?”

The answer didn’t come right away. Which was good…instead of making this break time “useful,” I really got to relax, and I desperately needed to relax! As I let go of my expectations for myself and immersed myself in a good book (and indulged in a bit of a nap), the answer emerged: DanceFormation. I’m not talking cheerleaders or ballerinas. What I’m about in the world is transformation: substantial, good, lasting life change. And since I love to dance through life, naming this focus–indeed this inherent value–DanceFormation seemed to express the overall sense of my purpose: to bring change in the world through fun and play.

This clarity has fueled my actions today: my Twitter posts, my e-mail messages, my dancing, my interactions with store clerks and friends. While doing all these things, I’ve asked myself “Where’s the possibility for transformation and joy here, for me and for those with whom I’m connecting?” It has led me to send Christmas well wishes far and wide, to name what I see in people, to apologize for times I’ve said something less than helpful. And my enthusiasm and energy have returned.

How is your energy level these days? Your inspiration? Your motivation? Could you, too, benefit from going off the radar? What might you find there if you do?

I’m in a mental, emotional waiting room, absentmindedly flipping through a three-months-old, dog-eared People magazine, hoping to receive positive results. I have recently learned that my son, who attends a school that ability groups kids in math and in reading, has landed in an English group that isn’t challenging him. The school is doing its best to address the issue. I mean, when you don’t have enough room because your kids attend school in a strip mall where the teacher sits on the floor of the staff-lounge-turned-classroom so kids can sit at her desk, you can easily understand that we might have one too many levels of kids to group and one too few teachers and classrooms to accommodate them. Nevertheless, my husband and I switched our kids to this school so they could be challenged at their level of potential, and despite triangulating my son’s MAPS, DRA, and standardized-state-test reading scores, he’s basically learning at the level at which he learned last year. That means no growth for this year, and it’s unacceptable.

Before I proceed any further, I want to say that I absolutely love the school my kids attend. As I mentioned previously, the teacher and the principal are actively looking into solutions, and I believe they’ll come up with some creative, helpful ones. The school and this issue are really the background for my point: this is yet one more time when I’ve had to advocate for my child, when I’ve had to expend energy contacting teachers, when I’ve had to be vigilant to make sure my child is receiving the education he needs. Never mind that we made the big switch last year after the previous year’s journey toward giftedness identification and school choice. It didn’t end there. It never ends. I have to stay on top of these things for both of my gifted children. I do so with joy–it’s wonderful to see my children bloom where they’re planted. But it takes time, love, and energy. I dive headlong into these things, with all my heart, all my self. I’m like a mama lion out there, protecting the interests of her lion cubs. And these issues often take precedence over the other commitments I have in my life, including those to myself. Schedules shift. Brain cells are reassigned to the project. Energy drains. And I don’t often acknowledge the impact.

We have high needs kids. Some might even say we have special needs kids. Most people, who think we’re privileged to call our kids “gifted” don’t understand this, thinking our children will bloom wherever they’re planted, even if devoid of the fertilizer of challenging material. But we know better. So we press on, in the face of the challenge and the misunderstanding of our peers, to do our part to ensure our children reach their full potential. We may experience great frustration at times, but when it works, we experience deep joy.

So when these inevitable issues arise, what can we do to maintain our sanity and our connection to ourselves? Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Recognize you’re facing an issue that’s affecting you. Acknowledging this to yourself can bring an immediate release, an opportunity to cut yourself some slack.
• Determine the impact. Are you revved up emotionally? Are you losing sleep? Do you find yourself mulling the issue over and over in your mind, even when you’re doing other things? When you realize the impact, you can move toward specific actions that will plug the energy drain you’re feeling.
• Address the effects of the impact. If you’re emotionally reeling, maybe you need a cup of tea with another mom of gifted children. If you’re losing sleep, perhaps you can write the issue down and put the piece of paper in a box, symbolically letting it go for the night. If you find the situation buzzing in the background of your mind all the time, maybe you need bring it to the forefront and find some answers.
• Take extravagantly good care of yourself. Let’s face it: you have high needs children! They are glorious, and they require a lot of energy and awareness. So you need to be at your best, and that requires attending to self care at all times and especially when issues arise that require extra mental, emotional, and/or physical energy.