Oct 18
Learning the Hard Way
Uncategorized, challenges, gifted children, gifted mothers, giftedness, mothering, perfectionism 1 Comment »Every cell in my body compelled me to run away, but I didn’t. “I can’t do this, Mom! Why can’t I do this?” My eleven-year-old son had just acquired his first set of contact lenses and, now at home, was attempting to put them in his eyes. When he received them from the eye doctor, the doctor’s assistant who helped him learn the procedure declared him a natural. Of course he’s a natural. He’s a natural at everything he tries.
Except for this, apparently. Whatever magic happened at the doctor’s office, it didn’t come home with us. So day after day my son spent at least thirty minutes attempting–sometimes successfully and other times not so much–to put his contacts in. Since I, too, wear contacts, my angst-ridden son would cry out to me for help. In despair he’d ask me why he couldn’t do this. And though every cell in my body wanted to run away, I knew I needed to stay and help my son understand four things:
- That while he’s a natural at most things, making them seem easy, not all things are simple to do;
- That this experience was a good one for him–now he knew how others felt trying to do the same activities that come so easily to him;
- That when he bumps up against a tough task, he can stick with it and eventually master it; and
- That I would stick with him through it, no matter how much anger or despair he expressed.
I just spent the past Monday and Tuesday at the Colorado Association for the Gifted and Talented conference, attending keynote speeches and breakout sessions on various topics associated with gifted children. In one of the sessions, Julie Gonzales, Development Specialist at the Cherry Creek Office of Gifted Education and someone involved with the CAGT as well as the National Association for Gifted Children, talked about preparing our gifted children for the future through our parenting. She asserted that often we manage our children’s lives so they don’t feel any pain. We switch them from classes taught by teachers who don’t relate well with them. We give trophies to every member of a soccer team regardless of whether they’ve won anything. We rescue them when they leave their lunches or homework at home.
For our gifted children, this phenomenon happens even more because so much comes naturally to them. They have a skewed view of life because they become accustomed to the idea that everything should come easily to them. So when they eventually reach a point in life–and they will reach it–when classes or situations become even the smallest struggle, they opt out. They get to the point where they take classes where they can make the easy A, where they can figure out how to work the system with the least amount of effort. Because if they can’t succeed, they think they’re no longer gifted.
Our children need to bump against their limitations. If they don’t, they’ll go into college and adulthood handicapped, because at those life stages they will rub up against the boundaries of their capabilities. When they do, how will they handle those situations? Will they have learned that sometimes life is hard and that they can survive and thrive even if they don’t ace every course? Or will they back away from challenges, aiming for less than they’re capable of in life and exposing themselves to emotional challenges such as depression? Wouldn’t it be better for our kids to learn the hard way through life while they’re still in our homes, when we can guide them through the emotional process of discovering they can’t do everything?
This is also important because many of our gifted kids struggle with perfectionism. Some gifted children–and adults–don’t try anything unless they can guarantee themselves a perfect outcome. So they keep themselves way too far in from the boundaries of their abilities. These kids (and adults) need to learn that they can make mistakes and that it’s okay, that they’re still gifted even if they reach for the brass ring and miss it.
This starts with us as parents. How do we feel when our kids face challenges? How do we respond? Do we see our children as reflections of ourselves, so when they feel pain we need to mitigate it? When they don’t succeed, do we view that as our own failure? If so, we need to deal with these issues first so we can free our children to be fully themselves and stretch with abandon beyond their abilities.
And where are we challenging ourselves? If we model a safety-at-all-costs mentality, our kids will adopt that. But if we go for it in our own lives, if we dream dreams and do what we can to reach them, our kids will feel the freedom to do the same despite setbacks and failures. Wouldn’t that be a great gift to give our children? It starts with us.
So here are some questions to consider:
- How safe are your kids playing it through life?
- Where can you encourage them to stretch themselves beyond their comfort zones?
- Are you in any way invested in their success as your success? If so, where do you need to let go so they can grow?
- What’s your emotional reaction to struggle? How is it helping or hindering your children from engaging in learning the hard way through life?
- Where are you playing it safe? Where can you stretch yourself to the limits of your own capabilities and beyond to model this kind of lifestyle for your kids?
- What big dreams are you dreaming and seeking to attain?
Answering these questions will help you as you encourage your kids to learn the hard way of life. In the movie A League of Their Own, Geena Davis’ character is about to quit playing in the All-American Girls Baseball League because she feels it’s too hard. Tom Hanks, who plays her coach, says one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Yeah, it’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everybody would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.” Our kids are capable of great things, and when they learn that sometimes it will be hard and that it’s okay for it to be hard, they’ll be free to dream their dreams and reach for the stars, fulfilling their potential and blessing the world with their gifts.
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