From the Deep

She walks onstage, a middle-aged woman in clean, conservative clothes and a less-than-stylish haircut, and the judges and spectators have visible reactions: eye rolls, smirks, exchanged “knowing” glances. You can feel the collective “You’ve got to be kidding me” vibe. The judges smugly interview the contestant, and she answers them with honest, even saucy responses. She seems good-natured and oblivious to the fact that the judges and audience members have settled themselves in for some good ol’ schadenfreude: taking pleasure in the pain of others. They’re anticipating enjoying her failure.

Then the music begins, and when she opens her mouth to sing, what comes out astounds everyone: a strong, clear, beautiful voice that gives pathos to the song “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables. The judges’ faces soften, one’s jaw drops, another rises to her feet mid-song. By the time the woman sings “Now life has killed the dream I dreamed,” everyone in the theater has risen in standing ovation, some of them wiping tears from their eyes, the kind of tears the come from deep within you when you’ve heard something profoundly transcendent.

This scene, which happened recently on Britain’s Got Talent, has rocked the Internet, and Susan Boyle, the woman from some far-off village in England, is becoming a household name. You can see her triumph here. 

I’m not sure why her story is taking the world by storm, but I do know why it has affected me so deeply. I watched a woman–slightly quirky, not the cultural ideal of beauty–take a large risk. She took it in the face of tremendous ill-will and opposition. Yet she has a gift and a dream–a gift and dream she has carried since she was twelve years old–and finally let the whole world see it and be blessed by it.

If you are a gifted person and/or have gifted children, you know the risk it takes to allow that inner light to shine for the whole world to see. The opposition can be fierce and unfair. Marylou Kelly Streznewski, in her book Gifted Grownups: The mixed blessings of extraordinary potential, says it like this: “One is not allowed to enjoy accomplishments, but one is not allowed to be average either. Somebody always seems to be waiting for you to fail so they can gloat” (p. 39). 

So we and our children have two choices: 1) to shine and risk failure and opposition; or 2) to hide, blend in, and deny ourselves. Perhaps we can walk the line somewhere between the two and feel the constant tension of it. But no matter where we are on that line, we are to some degree allowing life to kill the dreams we dream.

But what do we really want? To deny ourselves forever? Or to let our gifts give birth to our dreams? I personally feel inspired by Susan Boyle. I want to take risks to allow the brilliance within me to shine–to experience possible rejection and failure but also the potential to provide a transcendent moment for the people around me. Maybe they’ll laugh, maybe they’ll scoff–and maybe, just maybe, they’ll be moved to experience the more within themselves too.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written two blog posts about self care, one reminding you that you can indeed take care of yourself and the other explaining that the most powerful self care comes from knowing your values: who you are at your core and what makes you come alive. Today I’ll conclude this blog-post mini-series by giving you some concrete ways to include self care in your life. Here are three strategies you can use:

Strategy 1: Bank it, baby! When we proactively participate in self-care opportunities for ourselves, we create a reservoir of strength and energy that we can draw on later. We parents, including those of gifted children, often feel that this is selfish. We struggle with taking the time, energy, and money it takes to meet our own needs, so we constantly live in deficit mode. We’ve taken our emotional and physical credit cards and run them through slots, and we don’t have the energy in the bank to pay the bill when it comes due. Then we crack. We yell, we stomp off, we blame, we cry. And no one is happy.

So bank your self care. You can, deserve to, and in doing so will be caring for your family in the long run.

Strategy 2: Respond, don’t react. We all face stressful times, those moments when it feels that someone or some event is making a huge withdrawal from our emotional bank account. In those instances, we can often feel like reacting by blowing up, throwing objects, or doing something drastic that we regret later. What if, instead, you responded by drawing from a collection of five-, fifteen-, and thirty-minute self-care practices, little emotional snacks as it were, to help you regain some emotional energy throughout your day? What are some quick practices that would help your soul sing instead of sink in these stressful moments?

Again, go to your values. Which activities are the emotional equivalent to an energy bar or energy drink for you–quick practices that feed and center you? Maybe you need to spend five minutes working on a crossword puzzle. Perhaps you just need to dance to your favorite song. When you’ve hit your limit, go to these ideas that don’t require a huge time commitment on your part. Rejuvenate, then return to the fray. You will feel better prepared to face whatever challenge has come your way.

Strategy 3: Take a ten-second vacation. OK, this practice is something everyone should have in his/her self-care arsenal. All it involves is taking a breath to the depths of our bodies. Most of us only breathe into our lungs. But when we breathe deeply (I imagine sending breath to my lower back), we take much-needed oxygen into our systems, and that reduces our stressful feelings, helps us feel more present in the moment, and gives us a fresh perspective on whatever we’re facing. Try it now. Breathe deeply, imagining you’re directing all that fresh air to your lower back, allowing your diaphragm to expand naturally in the process. What do you experience when you do this?

You can use the ten-second vacation anytime, anywhere. So when things feel stressful, chaotic, out of control, just take a deep breath and see how your perspective changes. Feel empowered, and cope with whatever has arisen.

Our mark didn’t start that way. In fact, he wasn’t Mark at all. He was Pete, and he began this episode as a mere witness to our angst. Poor, poor Pete. (Actually, I retract that–Pete was a prankster too, often pulling elaborate jokes on people, so he had it coming.)

My husband and I were fairly newly married, and DH (Dear Hubby) had put me on his insurance for everything, including dental. Or so we thought. When I went to the dentist, the dentist’s office staff claimed fairly strongly that I was not covered. So I called my husband. Pete answered the phone that he and DH shared in their cubicle, and I asked for DH. Pete handed DH the phone, I told DH my story, and said “Fix it.” So while at work, DH called the insurance company, and Pete witnessed his side of the conversation.

“Is my wife covered on this dental insurance policy?” DH asked.

“Yes, your wife is covered” they replied.

“So her recent dentist visit will be paid for?” My husband was being condescendingly clear (he does that well).

“Yes, it will be paid for” they replied.

DH called me, then I called the dentist: “The insurance company says I’m covered. Is my recent dentist visit paid for?”

“No. We’re not showing you covered by the insurance company.”

So I call DH again, and Pete answered the phone (DH rarely answers the phone if he can avoid it). Pete handed off the phone to DH, I told DH my next round in the saga, and said “Fix it.” So DH called the insurance company again, with Pete as witness once again to his side of the conversation.

And the cycle repeated itself yet again. The insurance company assured DH that his wife was covered, DH called me, then I called the dentist and came up frustrated yet again–no coverage. So I called DH again, and told him to get to the bottom of this. And he did. He asked the insurance company if his wife was covered. They said “Yes, your wife Doreen is covered.”

“My wife’s name isn’t Doreen. It’s Lisa.”

“No, it’s Doreen. We have it on the form right here.”

“I think I know my wife’s name. It’s Lisa.”

“We have her down as your daughter.”

“Look at my year of birth.”

“OK. 1965.”

“Now look at Lisa’s year of birth.”

“OK. 1967…ohhhhhh.”

So DH had finally convinced the dental insurance company that I, Lisa, was indeed his wife and should be covered by the plan. I called the dentist’s office, and they said the insurance company now had me in their system. It was fixed.

And Pete had interacted with me over the phone and witnessed DH’s end of all the conversations with me and with the dental insurance company. I’m sure Pete heard an earful about it from DH between phone conversations too.

Then somehow, DH and I got it into our heads that we’d pull a little prank on good ol’ Pete. So we made our plans and executed them the next day.

The next morning, DH left his cubicle, went to another one nearby, and called to tell me he’d left his office and that Pete was still there, ensuring that Pete would answer the phone they shared. So I called, and Pete answered. I mustered my anger and my best Southern accent, and asked “Is DH there?”

“No, can I take a message?” Pete says.

“Yes. This is his wife Doreen, and I’ve just been to the dentist and they’re saying I’m not covered by our dental insurance plan! Have DH call me right away.”

I can’t write exactly what Pete said, but it wasn’t “ship.” Then there was a deadly silence, though I could hear the wheel’s of Pete’s brain turning. He was probably thinking “I share a cubicle with a bigamist!” It helped that the local news had recently covered a story about a man in our area who had supported two wives and two sets of children for years without the two different families knowing about each other.

I started laughing silently, then couldn’t keep it in–so I broke character and the prank was over. Pete, being a very good sport, admitted that we had gotten him good.

What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled, had someone pull on you, or have heard about from someone else? In honor of April Fool’s Day, please post it in the comment section of this blog post. And have a fabulous, fun, foolish day!