From the Deep

As my astute commenter Jen said at the end of my last post, we parents of gifted kids live on the hamster wheel of life. Even when we do something to care for ourselves, it can so easily feel as if whatever benefit we’ve gained is swallowed up immediately by the needs we face when we return to the real world. (By the way, I recommend you check out what Jen is writing these days–her blog is here.)

So how do we take care of ourselves in ways that feel lasting, in ways that will nourish us when we’re responsible for meeting the needs of our high-needs children? Well, it takes a little effort and planning (okay, a lot of effort and planning), but you can do it. And here’s the first step: know thyself.

We can all brainstorm the traditional self-care methods people use: getting a massage, exercising, eating well, getting enough rest, getting a facial, blah, blah, blah. I’m not against any of those things. In fact, I participate in those kinds of self-care rituals when I can. But the best self care comes from the practices that feed us, energize us, make us come alive. When we’re caring for high-needs kids such as gifted children, our energy can so easily be sapped. When we participate in self-care practices, we need to be efficient, just as Jen lamented. We don’t have much time for it, we end up right back on the hamster wheel, so we need to make our self-care opportunities count. The best way to do that is by knowing what truly makes us come alive.

I’ve discussed this before. It comes down to knowing what we value. You can read more about that in a previous blog post here. Values are what define us, what make us who we are, what uniquely bring life to us. We can discover our values by answering questions such as these:

• What’s really important to me?
• What brings me the most joy?
• What really makes me angry? (Often tapping into more difficult emotions can show us where our passions lie.)
• What was the best moment of my life?
• What is my biggest dream?

Often as parents, especially parents of gifted children, we find ourselves running on fumes. We’ve expended every last ounce of energy–physical and emotional–and we fall into bed at day’s end exhausted and dreading the next time we have to open our eyes (all-too early, of course) and face another twenty-four hours of running the hamster wheel.

What if it were different? What if we woke up everyday excited about what we got to do that day? What might life be like then? And how would it affect our parenting?

Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D says this in his book 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Glen Elln, Illinois: ParentMagic, Inc., 2003):

…to effectively express the affection and praise that your children can thrive on, as a parent you must take pretty good care of yourself in the first place. You need to see that your needs are being met and that you are not chronically locked into helpless, angry, martyrlike or victim roles. (p. 189)

When I read this quote, I breathed a sigh of relief. We don’t need to take care of ourselves only for our own sakes (we parents often balk at that idea, but it’s true); our kids need us to. Think of it–what kind of parenting energy might you have available if you were to regularly care for yourself? What words would come out of your mouth? With what tone would you say them? What would you do with and for your kids if you had some energy in your gas tank?

Those of us who parent gifted children do what we must to meet our children’s high needs. We drive the universe in our mini-vans to get our children the interventions they need, to find the education that would best help them develop, to bring them to the extracurricular activities that will enhance their truest selves. We can’t do this when our own physical and emotional gas tanks are on empty.

Not to mention, we are living our own lives. Yes, we have kids and caring for them is part of our lives too. But we also possess a part of our lives that purely belongs to us (I’ll blog more on this at a later date). We don’t want it to pass us by–we don’t want to look back and wish we’d done something more for ourselves, that we’d enjoyed life more because we had more energy and love that we’d given ourselves.

I’ll blog more soon about practical ways we can take care of ourselves. But for now, let it sink it: yes, we can and ought to take time and energy for ourselves (maybe even spend some money on ourselves too).

And now, I’m going to lay down with a good book, which I hope will eventually fall to my chest as I nap blissfully!

A Transformational Journey for Women

The Destiny Project is an eight-week, communal coaching journey toward naming and designing your life around your deepest life purpose. Through this teleconference journey, the leader will personally guide you through the 8 practical steps of the proven Visioneering Process that will break you out of stuck patterns in your life, reawaken your heart’s capacity to dream, guide you to create a crystal-clear vision for your future, and provide practical tools for stepping up to the bigger life you were created to live.

Participating in a Destiny Project Group may be one of the most significant explorations of your life. It is an exploration not merely of your career path (though that will certainly play a part), nor is it just about balancing the many tasks and roles you must fulfill in your daily routine (though that is certainly important). This journey will take you deeper than personality tests and time management programs can go–to an exploration of who you really are at the core, what really makes you come alive, and what big gift lives inside of you that, if unleashed, will inspire the world around you to come alive as well.

• You’ll discover your deepest life purpose, and describe it in detail.
• You’ll “map” out your dreams for the life you most want to experience and enjoy.
• You’ll transform your dreams into specific, clearly-defined visionary goals that you can and will achieve.
• You’ll forge accountable friendships with others just like you–people who’ve had enough of living small–and are committed to stepping up to the life of their biggest dreams.
• You’ll learn practical tools to move beyond the obstacles that have historically stopped you from your goals.
• You’ll “plan for success” by designing a practical, personalized road map to get you from where you are to where you want to be.
• You’ll move from what you want to do to what you will do.

I rise from the basement, where I spent the last week nursing my own sickness, like a phoenix from the ashes. After four weeks of commitments followed by illness, I reclaim my life on the main floor of my home and my self. I feel new. And I’m ready to jettison anything that deigns hold me back.

Spring is right around the corner, and I can feel it here in Colorado. We’re doing the Colorado Spring Swing around here, and I’m not talking about any Western dance. I’m talking about the weather swinging from the 70s one day to the 30s and snowy the next. It’s that time of year.

Do you feel it? Do you see the signs of Spring around you? If so, how do you feel inside?

Some of us feel the urge to purge. Spring cleaning starts soon. We shake off the dust from winter. We open our windows and let in fresh air. We pack away winter clothes. We hose down the patio furniture and prepare to take in sun and fun.

Do you feel it?

We can do Spring cleaning within us as well. Just as I feel the desire to clear my house of clutter, I feel I want to declutter my heart and mind as well. Old, unhelpful attitudes? Trash ‘em! Stale beliefs? Shred ‘em!

While on my sick couch in the basement last week, I watched a lot of daytime television. One of the shows I enjoyed was “What Not to Wear.” On this show, the hosts guide a victim…er…participant through the process of culling through his/her clothes and creating a new, more stylish wardrobe. As I watched this show repeatedly, I noticed that in order for these people to transformation outwardly, they had to make an inward transformation first. The mom of young children had to adopt the belief that she was worth spending time on herself. The muscular landscape architect/surfer dude had to decide he wanted to present a more adult face to the world. Only in throwing away old beliefs could new ones take plant in their hearts, and when that happened, their outward appearance changed too.

Where do you want to go in your life? What old, musty, beliefs are holding you back from going there? What out-of-style attitudes are keeping you from fully expressing yourself in the world? Isn’t it time to let them go and make space for something new, fresh, and healthy to guide you?