From the Deep

The blank screen stares at you menacingly. The curser blinks, daring you to type a word. But you’re stuck. Suddenly your words, which flow off your tongue like a flooding river when you imagine what to write, seem trapped behind a dam.

What happened?

Truth is, if you even got so far as to sit at your computer, the potter’s wheel, or the piano bench you’ve achieved more than many of us. Many of us find ourselves wanting to create but finding every excuse in the book to avoid it. Why?

It often has to do with our relationship with creating.

What do I mean by that? We have relationships with all kinds of things: people, systems, roles, and concepts. And we have a relationship with the concept of creating. All people do, but as gifted people, our relationship with creating (as with all things) can frequently be complex. We can be highly creative with many ideas flowing through our active brains. Yet we struggle to actually produce something. The novel goes unwritten, the song unsung, the structure unbuilt.

This happens for many reasons. Being divergent thinkers, we often enjoy the brainstorming process but experience stress when having to converge, eliminate ideas, make something concrete. Perhaps, like me, you’re highly intuitive and can imagine new creations, and the imagining almost makes the creation feel real. Others of us struggle with twice-exceptional issues–executive functioning struggles, ADD/ADHD, sensory issues–that hinder our ability to focus on something to completion. As a result, we experience a relationship with creating fraught with angst. We approach the idea of creating something, then back away. And this is too bad because so many of us have great creations within us just wanting to get out!

The best way to develop a more friendly relationship with creating is to create. And to encourage us all to do this, my Brilliant Chaos partner, Wendy Balman of The Leadership Collaborative, and I have thrown down a Creating Challenge. Simply put, for each of seven days we will create something that can be finished within ten minutes to two hours. We’d love to have you join us! We start this coming Monday, June 27, 2011. You can find details here. Also, if you wish, join our Facebook group to enjoy the camaraderie during the challenge, or even to lurk if you’d like to see how it goes first. (Wendy and I have already done a four-day Creating Challenge and found that even in that short amount of time our relationship with creating has changed.)

So go ahead, create. I dare ya!

It’s Gifted Awareness Week in New Zealand, and thanks to Mary St. George I have the privilege of participating in the international blog tour. I acknowledge New Zealand for waving the gifted banner and drawing attention to a delightful group of kids in need of greater educational opportunities. As a former gifted child and a mother of gifted children, I appreciate all efforts any parent, educator, and advocate in any country makes to obtain appropriate learning experiences for our children.

What we frequently miss when discussing giftedness, however, is addressing the giftedness of grownups. Somewhere, usually at the high school level at the latest, the concept of giftedness disappears. We move into adulthood wondering what the point was of being identified as gifted in elementary school. Others of us weren’t identified at all, and we never understood, nor do we understand now, why we feel like such oddballs. Why can’t we seem to fit into the norm? Why was school so stressful yet easy at the same time? Why do we react so strongly to stimuli others don’t even notice?

Those of us who have our toes dipped into the gifted pool now, whether as parents, educators, advocates, or in some other role, have a slight advantage. As we look at the gifted children with whom we have the privilege of interacting, we can begin to see ourselves mirrored in their eyes and their actions. As these kids play with words and we play back, as their curiosity sparks our own, as their excitabilities ignite ours, we start to remember our own giftedness, or perhaps we recognize it for the first time. We find our own gifted way intersects with their asynchronous drive.

This meeting can be delightful at times and sometimes explosive. Whatever it is, it’s always intense! This happens between gifted adults too. As we share our views of giftedness and our theories for how best to address it, we can experience a sweet synergy. We finally feel understood and can learn something new from someone else about how to address these unique needs. We can also face the angst that comes from someone being as passionate as we are about this topic yet doesn’t quite agree. In these cases, we may find ourselves reacting as the gifted children we once were: wounded, wishing to be understood, and feeling so alone.

As New Zealand celebrates giftedness this week, let us all acknowledge and celebrate our own giftedness, just as we do that of the children dear to us. And let us acknowledge and celebrate the giftedness we see in each other. Remember that we all have a story as to how we got here and the role our gifted characteristics played whether we knew it then or not…whether we know it now or not. Let us be tender with ourselves and with each other as we learn how giftedness impacts our own lives and as we focus our energies on making the future better for our children. We come from all over Planet Earth for this cause. Let’s meet each other at the intersection of Gifted Way and Asynchronous Drive.

“[Alice] would have given whatever gifts she had to Riley if she could’ve. And if she couldn’t, she would pretend for both of their sakes that she didn’t have them.”

From The Last Summer (of You and Me) by Ann Brashares (NY: Riverhead Books, 2007)

Anyone out there relate?

A couple days ago, I attended my Nia class. (Nia is a dance/movement practice that I hesitate to call a workout because I enjoy it so much!) As we begin each session, the teacher sets an intention, something to inform our movements, thoughts, and emotions. This particular day, the focus was “large and small.” The teacher introduced the idea by describing how some people have large personalities. They enter a room, and–ta da!–you know they’ve arrived! Others enter a room small, with timidity, a desire to remain unseen, and you may not notice they’re there.

As she talked, I reflected on how gifted people are like this. We were created to live large. We possess all these overexcitabilities, intensity, energy, enthusiasm, humor, creativity, and charisma. We were born to command attention when we enter a room!

Yet how many of us do? For whatever reasons, many of us have made ourselves small, trying to cram ourselves into society’s prescribed box. Or if we just can’t help drawing attention with our entrances, we try to deflect the spotlight as soon as possible. Still others of us have said “talk to the hand” to society, continuing to be our full selves but removed entirely from anyone who might witness us. This, too, is a way we’re small, even invisible.

Gifted people were born to live large. YOU were born to live large! I double-dog dare you–nay, TRIPLE-DOG DARE you–to find what’s standing in the way of you throwing the door open, waving your hands in the air, and announcing “I’m here! Now the party can start!” the next time you enter a room. There’s only one person on this planet like you, and we enjoy you. So, please, for the rest of humanity, live large!

I just dropped my son off at middle school. Today he begins his eighth grade year.

The “boy” I just left is much different than the boy I picked up months ago from his last day of seventh grade. Over the summer he has grown taller than I, his voice has deepened, and his face has taken on a more chiseled appearance. He is becoming a young man.

As well, these past few months we have begun discussing where he should attend high school. High school? How can I think about that? Didn’t he just begin preschool yesterday? Where has the time gone? Where has my boy gone?

Typical mother lament, I know. Even my son can quote it verbatim, and did so this morning: “I know, Mom. How have I grown so fast?” I think he had compassion on me; he didn’t even do an inner eyeroll at that one.

Not to say that life is always peachy with him. We’ve had our share of adolescent outbursts over the summer too, and I know we’ve only just begun to experience what’s coming. Perhaps this is what will help me release him when the time comes. Maybe with teenage angst on the horizon–such a tough period, but so important for our kids’ healthy development–I’ll be thankful time is fleeting. Sometimes I’ll be thankful.

For now, since high school goes by in the blink of an eye, I’m off to Target to buy toothpicks. I’ll need them for keeping my eyes open as long as I can.

These are the times that try moms’ (and dads’) souls, the dog days of summer. We’ve exhausted our supply of interesting activities. Despite promising he wouldn’t, ESGK has left his summer school project to the last minute, and now must complete it. The house is a wreck. The kids are bored, and what do bored gifted siblings do? They perfect annoying each other to an art. And here’s the kicker: because of our kids’ educational needs, we send them to a charter school, which means the school chooses its own calendar. Our school has chosen to wait a couple more weeks to begin while all the neighborhood kids are now in session. So who do my kids have to annoy…erm…play with but each other?

Me, apparently. But after two months of not being able to complete a thought, I long to do so. My temper is shorter. I have less patience. And my chocolate supply is low, suspiciously so (under-aged gremlins have apparently found it and helped themselves to it).

I do have some comfort. I am not alone. I’ve read blog posts by other moms struggling with the same thing. I’ve talked about this phenomenon with moms I’ve encountered at my kids’ activities. I’m not actually going crazy. (Who knew?!) I’m simply experiencing the last, rugged two weeks of my kids’ summer break.

My plan? Breathe. Lower the expectations for the house, yet put the kids to work when they’re annoying each other (and therefore me). Do a few more fun activities to get them out and about, to engage their minds and bodies. Accept the dog days of summer, and extend more grace to my kids and to myself.

If you’re in the same boat, I say “Welcome aboard, matey!” I’m grateful we’re in this together!

It’s summer break, and today has turned into one of those glorious, go-with-the-flow days around the house. My kids are currently preoccupied with their vast array of Legos, so I’ve taken this opportunity (how ever long it may last) to attempt some semblance of organization in my life.

As a gifted adult, I find myself extremely divergent. I have a plethora of ideas and projects running through my mind, and I enjoy creating and brainstorming. I can expand on these ideas exponentially, ad infinitum…and none of them achieve completion in the real world. As well, “minor,” mundane tasks, such as signing my son up for fall football or charting my daughter’s occupational therapy activities, can flit in and out of my brain at the speed of light, never getting done.

So far, everything I really need to do gets done. But I find this existence a little stressful, and sometimes I wonder if I could accomplish more and feel more at peace if I became more organized. Now as you can probably tell, “more organized” isn’t that high of an expectation around here. I’ve learned that I will never become an organization maven. My brain isn’t built that way. Checklists and day-at-a-time organizers don’t move me. Instead, anyone who knows me knows how I love stickie notes. I come alive brainstorming projects when I post colorful small stickie notes to gigantic stickie notes adhered to my wall.

This method, while fun and life-giving, has its limitations. I have only so much wall space, I can’t pack my walls in my purse with me when I hit the road, and it can lead to a cluttered feel instead of a clean, clear one.

While I imagine I will always carry on a love affair with stickie notes, today I’ve decided to find some fun online ways to organize myself. I’ve heard wonderful things about Evernote.com. This is a program you can find online and download onto your computer to create notebooks for projects and to-do lists. You can also upload photos from your phone or camera, and Evernote will make any text in them searchable. As well, you can gather links and pdf files in one place. One mom told me she keeps recipes, activity schedules, and her husband’s travel itineraries in Evernote. These items are not only kept on your computer but online, so you can access them from any computer or your mobile phone. Sounds like a mobile brain to me! Today I created a notebook for a new role I’m adopting. I’ve had ideas for this role swirling through my brain, and I just dumped all those ideas into Evernote. Now I can think up even more!

I’m also playing around with Remember the Milk. RTM is basically a monster to-do list. You can create various lists, such as for yourself, each member of your family, any roles you fulfill, your house, and anything else you desire. For each task, you can determine a due date, have the activity repeat on your list if you need, and have RTM send reminders to your phone and/or e-mail address. I signed up for RTM long ago, but haven’t used it much. Today I’ve connected it to my Gmail, Google calendar, and Twitter accounts, and I’m hoping that these interfaces will make using RTM easier which will mean I will use it more.

We shall see how this goes. I must admit I’m susceptible to a “look, shiny!” outlook on life. If something is new, I enjoy trying it out. However, I find it difficult to keep using systems long-term unless they integrate into my life in an easy, and more importantly fun, way. At least if these new online systems don’t work for me, I can return to my beloved stickie notes (or try these online ones!)

What tools do you use to organize your divergent mind? Please let me and the rest of the gifted, divergent world know!

©2010 Lisa Lauffer

Today is our second day of summer break. In the coming year, ESGK will be an eighth grader. Which, if you do the math (and I know you can), means the following year he’ll enter high school. I won’t even begin pondering what type of quantum physics have gotten us to this point–I assure you that just yesterday I was shedding tears at the thought of leaving him at preschool for the first time. But alas, to high school he soon will go.

The question is: Where?

The school system here isn’t the same as where–or perhaps more accurately, when–I was raised. I knew purely from where I lived which high school I’d attend. Unless I wanted (and my parents were willing to pay for) a more religious, private school experience, I really didn’t have a choice. And that was fine. Nobody really questioned it. As a gifted kid I’d make do with what I was offered. And I did.

Nowadays, with school choice being what it is, we have options as to where we can send ESGK. Many options. Our neighborhood high school. Other regular high schools in the district. Charter high schools. Private, religious high schools. Online high schools. And since we send ESGK to a charter school that sets the bar extremely high, our high school choice feels really important. Where can he go so he can continue to grow academically? On the NWEA MAPS tests, he’s already in the 98th or 99th percentiles, and those tests compare him to incoming seniors in high school. The only way to get a more advanced picture of where he stands in comparison to others is for him to begin taking the SAT and ACT tests.

But academics aren’t the only consideration. What kind of social experience do we want him to have? We could enroll him in an online school that would challenge him intellectually, but where would he play sports? Expend his highly extraverted energies? Grow into an independent young adult?

To answer these questions, we’ve hired an educational consultant. We’ve had ESGK take practice entrance exams. We’re looking into having him take the SAT or ACT over the summer too. We’re doing our homework (and ESGK is doing some too).

But really, these are details. My true point is this: very little about raising gifted kids is straightforward and easy. Look at all the questions we have to consider to make choices other parents make automatically, whether it be where to send our children to school, which extracurricular activities to sign them up for, or which friends to invite to play. We have to do our homework. And we do it. We take on these tasks because we love our children deeply and care that they make the most of the gifts they possess. This takes time and energy.

As a coach to parents of gifted children, I want to say that I see you: what you do, what it costs you, and what you and your kids gain. Keep it up. You probably doubt this at times, but you are doing an amazing job that no one else could possibly do as well as you. So before you dive into whatever homework you have this summer, give yourself a pat on the back and a moment to breathe, put your feet up, and drink a refreshing, cool beverage. You deserve it!

©2010 Lisa Lauffer

{In an effort to blog more frequently, I’m going to intersperse some personal thoughts amid my series on Why Coaching Works for the Gifted.}

Raising gifted children can challenge me to my core. Just last night I had to don my referee uniform and whistle, and mediate a conflict between my two gifted, highly sensitive children whose minds race with arguments against each other. I experience the angst of a mom who has her kids in the best school available for her children, and still sees some of their needs going unmet. I absorb the struggles of my perfectionist and procrastinatory children (I’ll leave you to guess which is which!).

And I complain. I share my frustrations with other parents of gifted kids, and listen to theirs.

Do I stop to celebrate the joys?

Today, ESGK (my thirteen-year-old son) won first place in the Physics: Force and Motion category of his school’s science fair. I cannot adequately express how proud I am of him. After three years of wrestling with science fair projects, he has garnered well-deserved accolades. He’s smart, creative, and analytical. He worked hard, sometimes well into the wee hours of the morning (OK, that wasn’t absolutely necessary. Now you know which of my kids is procrastinatory!). And he earned himself the blue ribbon.

I feel some discomfort broadcasting this news on the web. In my own history as a gifted child, my achievements earned me mixed attention. Praise was quickly followed by (frequently successful) attempts to knock me down a peg. And we parents of gifted children know that others don’t want to hear about our kids’ successes (or struggles). I’ve been well trained to keep my mouth shut.

Well, no more! Today is a day for celebration and acknowledgment! So, way to go, ESGK! I’m so proud of you, I love you so much, and you have a brilliant future ahead of you!

And to all of us parents of gifted children, may we celebrate the victories. We and our kids deserve it!

©2010 Lisa Lauffer

“Jane! Stop this crazy thing!”

Ever feel like good ol’ George Jetson who yelled these words at the end of every Jetsons episode? I find myself sometimes wishing I could stop the world and get off for just a few minutes to regroup. The rest of you would be suspended in space and time while I take a nap or sip a grande mocha and read a good book.

This is a common theme of life in our current culture. Too much to do, too little time. For the gifted, this can be even more acute. With the characteristics of multipotentiality–having many possible areas in which we can excel–and multiple interests, we frequently find ourselves overcommitted, wanting to fulfill all our obligations and our potential. If we’re not in this mode, we might be about to enter it, because we just have to take that art class or learn that new language or invent the next new gadget that will take the world by storm. Before we know it, we find ourselves running on a hamster wheel, wasting energy going nowhere, and wishing we could get off.

If we feel as if we’re stuck on the Jetson’s conveyor belt, the life coaching principle of balance can help. Balance is about movement. Consider this idea for a moment. How do you best balance on a bicycle? By moving forward. You can even experience balance as movement right now. Simply stand on one foot. Notice how your foot and leg muscles, bones, and tendons constantly adjust to keep you upright. If you’re not moving, you might actually fall over. If you feel stuck in your life, either because you’re too busy or because one area of life isn’t flowing, balance can be harder to achieve.

Often what keeps us stuck is a particular perspective we’re holding about our lives. For example, maybe we feel stuck in a job because we don’t think it’s helping us fulfill our potential, but the economy is so bad that we don’t believe we can find another job. Perhaps we have a view of life that sees balance looking one way, with a certain amount of time spent at work, with family, and in recreation, but we just can’t seem to achieve that “perfect” structure for ourselves.

When we feel stuck, we may unintentionally behave in ways that keep us feeling that way. This blog post is a perfect example of this. I started writing this post a couple of months ago then stopped. I wondered if others would find a series on why coaching works for the gifted as valuable as I believe it could be. I was stuck in an “I’m not offering value” perspective. Ergo, this post sat fallow for many weeks.

We can become “unstuck” when we identify the perspective we’re holding and realize we’ve actually chosen it for ourselves. This gives us the opportunity to play with other perspectives that might move us forward. For example, to finally publish this blog post, I’ve adopted a “whatever” perspective. I’ve identified that my perfectionism had commandeered my creativity, and I decided to let that go and just finish whatever the outcome may be.

As gifted people, we can feel stuck for many reasons. We might have a list of dreams so long it ultimately paralyses us. We know we have the abilities to fulfill those dreams, but we don’t even know where to start. Having multipotentiality, we fear that reaching for one goal might preclude us from reaching another. Or we might not want to draw attention to ourselves and risk rejection, so we keep ourselves from moving forward. Or here’s a classic I hear from parents all the time, especially moms: “If I go after my dreams and desires, I won’t have the energy or capacity to care for my gifted children’s needs, and it’s my job to make sure their special needs are met.”

As a life coach, I help my clients recognize perspectives they might be holding and how those perspectives might keep them from moving forward in their lives. Together, we play with new perspectives, imagining what life might be like from those points of view. Then my clients choose the perspectives they want to hold for their situations. Sometimes they choose a new one. Sometimes they choose multiple perspectives to utilize at different times. And sometimes they decide to hold the exact same perspective they held at first, except now they have consciously chosen it and therefore are free instead of stuck.

Do you feel stuck? Would you like to invite more balance into your life? If so, I’d love to help you discover ways you can move forward. Please contact me for a free 30-minute coaching call!

Other blog posts in my Why Coaching Works for the Gifted series:

• Why Life Coaching Works for the Gifted
• Fulfillment, Why Life Coaching Works for the Gifted, the Sequel